Parenting Advice: Are You Stuck in a Yelling Event with Your Children?

If screaming worked, being a parent would come easy, right? We would just yell, “Just do it!” and our kids would follow. child behavior problems would be a rare occurrence. Parenting advice to would come easy – just blow your top. But here’s the reality: it just does not work. I’ve told parents, “Look, if yelling at kids produced results, I’d be out of business. You’d just be able to hollar[snap at your kid and he’d change. Or you would bring your daughter to my office, I’d yell at him and call him insults for 45 minutes, and then your child would go home and be sweet for a week. Once any adult had kids, parenting advice would be easy to dole out.

When a mother or father tells me they yell at the kids, I can empathize. I’m also a father and I’ve worked with adults and kids all my life. Let’s face it, it can be tough being a stong parent, and it can be tough being a child. I believe parents end up raising their voices at their kids because they’ve simply exhausted other ways to solve the problem. Instead, they rely on power to get the job done. And it works, so long as the other person is willing to accept this from you. However, know that once your child realizes they can yell back, your yelling will not make a difference. And make no mistake, yelling skills are harder for kids to get rid of than they are to learn.

In my experience, no parent should get into a screaming match with their child; it gives kids too much power. It also does not help you with the problem at hand, whether it’s getting your child to take out the trash, stop playing video games, or to come home on time. The other downside is, screaming transforms you into your child’s equal. When you’re out of control, they know it and for the time you’re in that fight with them, your authority is undermined.

The 3 Things Your Child Gains from Yelling:

• Your child learns how to shut you off. Mentally and emotionally, he quickly learns how to stop hearing your words when the shouting begins.
• Your child learns quickly that displaying power is the most effective way to accomplish things. More precisely, he learns that overpowering others is the best way to get things done.
• Your kid recognizes that his parents can blow their tops, and that by pushing the right buttons, they can get you angry Make no bones about it, once you’ve started using screaming as a tool, you’ve presented everything he needs to know about pushing your buttons.

These are the reasons why the old school parenting advice of just yelling doesn’t work. Teaching your kids the opposite of what you want them to do is not the answer. Reducing your power down to a child’s level doesn’t work either. Screaming orders in order to get things done is not how to get your children to listen and follow.