“If I reach for a fix now, I can be more disciplined later.”
“I just need something now to tide me over. I’ll be better later.”
“I already am too stressed today. I’ll start tomorrow ― if I get some sleep anyway― if I don’t, maybe the next day. I’ll get around to it.”
“How come it’s such a big deal? Everybody should get off my back.”
“This isn’t a good time to quit. I just gotta keep it together as best I can.”
“People don’t understand how hard it is to quit. Last time I quit I was so nervous and I got fat.”
“Whatever.”
“Is there a monster that lives in my head or what? Is there some reason why this non-stop voice, this need, this urge, this craving for relief is so fricking insidious, unrelenting? Why me? Seems like other people just cruise around without being so distracted.
I fantasize about waking up all better. Like sitting down at a piano somewhere and playing like I’ve always imagined ― stunning, flawless. Doesn’t that happen sometimes? Some kind of savant magic thing? That’s what I want. Been thinking about that for years.
Silver bullet.
EW, is that to shoot myself or to fix something?
Anyway. I am edgy, irritated, frustrated that I have an issue for which I don’t have an easy, instant and real solution.
Why me? Is something WRONG with me? Especially wrong with me — more than with other people?
EW, I hate how that feels.
If I could hide it better, then I could keep going as I am and people would lay off. That seems like relief.
Well, kind of. Then I’m paranoid about getting caught.
What if I woke up one day and didn’t want to use? What if I wanted to exercise, eat sprouts and take an art class? What if I signed up and showed up, every time and loved it and felt strong, alert and beautiful?
That feels like relief.
I want to believe I can do it. I want you to believe I can do it. I have this feeling it’s not going to be that easy.”
Joyce is a longtime consultant and pragmatic problem solver, having worked to empower individuals, families and companies for nearly 30 years. Known for her consistent, authentic and passionate optimism, Joyce inspires her clients to clearly identify their life’s work and do what it takes to move beyond addiction into a truly fulfilling life of purpose. She's also one of the founders of The Exclusive Hawaii Addiction Treatment Center. Check out their website: http://theexclusivehawaii.com/
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