In any marriage, even the most loving and harmonious, there will be disagreements, and the way the couple resolves conflict affects the health, vibrancy and longevity of the marriage. Some couples mistakenly believe their marriage has no chance of success if they have conflict, which may be due to the common belief that conflict is best avoided to ensure family harmony. The result of conflict avoidance is often simmering anger and deep-seated resentment about unresolved issues.
Ironically, discussing disagreements can actually create growth and intimacy in a relationship if the conflict is resolved constructively. Conflict is normal and expected, and in blended families, issues of transitioning kids, ex-spouses, financial problems and parenting differences can increase the range of disagreements with negative results
Although one of many experts in relationships and conflict resolution, Dr Scott Haltzman offers unique perspective and practical advice in his best-selling book, “The Secrets of Happily Married Men: Eight Ways to Win Your Wife’s Heart Forever”. Dr Haltzman has distilled on-going research from thousands of married men into a useful guide that highlights 8 effective strategies that make marriages work.
Expect Conflict and Deal with It. helps couples gain a better understanding of conflict by describing the way men and women are biologically hardwired to deal with it, the moods and motives that cultivate disagreements, the patterns of conflicts and how to allay them. Everyone wants to feel listened to, cared for and validated, and understanding this goes a long way to helping couples resolve conflict and patch things up before they spiral out of control. This is what Dr Haltzman wants us to know about conflict 1. Happy and unhappy couples argue about the same amount of time and about the same basic issues: money, sex and housework being the three most common. 2. 69 % of disputes in a marriage are never resolved, and that's an acceptable level. 3. Both men and women can employ constructive ways to argue, and to agree to disagree. 4. Conflict often arises due to the inherent differences in how the sexes view conflict and ways they deal with it.
Dr Haltzman describes the 4 common ways that fights accelerate. See if you recognize yourself or your partner in any of these descriptions:
Feeding the Fire: We all know the situation where a criticism or complaint is thrown out, the response being more hostility, and so it goes, until it’s a free-for-all that includes ancient history from arguments past. An escalating, major altercation cannot just be shut off like an out-of-control video game, but keeps accelerating. Strategies for calming out-of-control; include softening your tone, becoming aware of areas of agreement, focusing on the positive and “holding that emotion” ; which essentially means stopping yourself from escalating into a higher gear with hateful comments
Withdrawal and Avoidance; Men are more likely to withdraw from and not deal with a grievance than women are, and this sends a discounting message to women that makes them very irritated. Women dislike avoidance because the act of engagement makes them feel better, even though the issue may not be resolved. Men avoid and withdraw for understandable biological reasons but this will fuel the fire of conflict with the women in their lives
Negative Interpretation: Assigning unintended negative meaning to things a spouse does or doesn’t say can incite major conflict that can escalate easily, because each person is responding to something that was neither said nor intended. Spelling out one’s meaning and active listening can help reduce this.
Finger Pointing: This is the classic criticizing that requires a response, which turns into defensiveness and more criticism. The effective technique is to use statements that refer to personal perception rather than blaming one’s partner. The most important element of a conflict is how it’s resolved or patched; when a quarrel is over. Both men and women must decide whether being right is more important than preserving a happy marriage. Among newly married couples that could not patch things up after a fight, the divorce rate was 90 %, versus an 84% successful marriage rate of those who could come to an understanding.
Couples can enjoy trying out all kinds of strategies to get back on track after a disagreement; this puts the conflict behind them so they can move forward and focus on the goal of enjoying a happy marriage.
About
The Author...
Sheena Berg enjoys writing articles for the StepHeroes stepparenting advice newsletter at www.About-Blended-Families.com. To learn more about happily married men, there’s no substitute for reading “The Secrets of Happily Married Men” by Scott Haltzman, M.D. (See our video review at www.youtube.com/user/blendedfamilynews). You can also join our interview with Dr Haltzman when he will be our “Ask the Expert” guest on www.BlendedFamilyExperts.com.
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