Knowing when to bring up the past, and when not to, requires an inner sense of discernment. Vicki Shook, who's done extensive cross-cultural research on conflict-resolution practices, believes this kind of self-awareness is fundamental to effective communication. "When we are in a clear state of attention and awareness, we pay close attention to our own body sensations and thoughts, moment by moment. This capacity to see what we are up to on the insideā”profoundly affects our ability to choose the right words and the right tone, and enhances our capacity to listen as well."
This is discernment at the level of interpersonal communication; it's the awareness that lets us know when to speak, how to speak, and what to say. It is the capacity to read another person's cues so we can know whether or not it is wise to proceed with a particular thread of communication. It's being able to read a situation and, in the moment, adjust. our course: "How honest should I be here, now, at this time?"
Nurturing this kind of self-awareness enables us to bypass habitual responses to conflict. Shook explains:
COMMUNICATION THAT FURTHERS CLOSENESS
Most people lay their cards out on the table this way: "Let's talk about it. Let's get it all out." There's value in that, but it can also be destructive. Talking isn't always the best solutionā”and it's not a question of how articulate we are. If our articulateness is based on an incomplete understanding of the problem, it's not going to move things forward. In fact, it can make things worse.
When I've tried to talk through a dispute and it hasn't worked out, it wasn't because I lacked the requisite communication skills, but because I failed to understand something critical about the situation. Either my self-awareness was limited, or my awareness of the other person was clouded. Maybe I wasn't aware of parts of my history that kept me from seeing the situation clearly, or I carried judgments that kept me from envisioning the most elegant, effective solution. Or perhaps I hadn't been able to put myself in the other person's shoes long enough to comprehend what she felt or needed. And because I lacked self-awareness, clarity, or compassion, I failed to choose the best approach.
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